The Reasons

Spur of the Moment Decision

There are many reasons why a couple might choose to get married without getting engaged first. For some, it may be a spur-of-the-moment decision that feels right at the time. They may not have been planning on getting married at all, but then suddenly the opportunity or desire arises and they go for it! This can be a great way to keep your relationship fresh and exciting, but it also comes with some risks.

Hopeless Romanticism

For others, they may just be hopeless romantics who believe in the fairy-tale notion that love conquered all and marriage is the natural next step. If this is you, then more power to you! But you may now think “Is this a bad sign for our relationship?”. It may or may not be. Do be aware that getting married without being engaged first does come with some challenges that you may not have considered.

Insecurity

For others, the reason may be more insecurity-based. They may not feel confident in their relationship and fear that an engagement will lead to a break-up further down the road. They may also be constantly getting the question, “When are you getting married?”. Getting married without being engaged first can be seen as a way to test the waters and see if you are truly compatible before making a long-term commitment.

Lack of Belief in Concept of Engagement

Another reason a couple might choose to get married without being engaged first is that they simply don’t believe in the concept of engagement. To them, it may seem like an unnecessary step in the relationship that doesn’t really add anything. An engagement is for marriage, why put a label on something and make it more “official” when you can just go ahead and get married? This is a valid perspective, but it’s important to remember that engagement is not just about the ring and the ceremony. It’s also about giving yourselves time to truly prepare for marriage both mentally and emotionally.

Financial Reasons

In some cases, a couple may choose to get married without being engaged first because of financial reasons. Perhaps they can’t afford an engagement ring or they want to save up for a down payment on a house. Or, maybe they just don’t believe in spending money on something that isn’t “necessary.” Whatever the reason, financial considerations can definitely play a role in the decision to skip engagement and go straight to marriage.

Having a Child Together

Another common reason for getting married without being engaged first is that the couple already has a child together. In this case, they may feel like they are already committed to each other and their family, so why not just make it official? This is a big decision to make, but it’s one that many couples face.

Pros

Affordability

One of the main advantages of getting married without being engaged first is that it can be less expensive. If you don’t have to buy an engagement ring and pay for a fancy engagement party, you can save a lot of money. This can be especially helpful if you’re on a tight budget or if you want to use that money for something else, like a down payment on a house or your honeymoon.

Less Stressful

Another plus side to getting married without being engaged first is that it can be less stressful. If you’re not worried about planning an engagement party or finding the perfect ring, you can focus on other things, like wedding plans or simply enjoying being engaged. This can make the whole process a lot more relaxed and enjoyable.

Simplicity

Sometimes, couples just want to keep things simple. If you’re not a fan of big weddings or fancy engagement parties, getting married without being engaged first can be the perfect solution. It allows you to have a more low-key wedding and avoid all the extra stress and expense that comes with a more traditional engagement.

Cons

Rushing Into Marriage

One of the potential drawbacks of getting married without being engaged first is that you may be rushing into things. This is a big decision that should not be taken lightly. If you’re not careful, you could end up regretting your decision down the road. Make sure you’re 100% certain that marriage is what you want before taking the plunge.

Less Time to Prepare

Another downside to getting married without being engaged first is that you may have less time to prepare for marriage and the wedding. This is especially true if you don’t believe in engagement or if you’re skipping it for financial reasons. Deciding where to get married and all other wedding logistics are typically done during the engagement. It’s important to take the time to mentally and emotionally prepare for marriage, so make sure you’re doing that before you tie the knot. No one wants to rush into something and then realize they’re not ready for it.

Missing Out on the Romance

If you’re a romantic at heart, getting married without being engaged first can be a bit of a letdown. You miss out on the traditional engagement process, including shopping for an engagement ring and having an engagement party. This can make the whole experience feel less special. It’s probably not a big deal to some couples, but it’s something to keep in mind if you’re the type of person who loves all things romance.

The Ring

So what’s the ring situation then? If you’re getting married without being engaged first, this part can get a little tricky. You may not want to buy an engagement ring since you’re already married, but you may still want to wear one. In this case, it’s up to you and your spouse to decide what makes the most sense for your relationship. You could buy a ring after you’re married, or you could simply wear your wedding band on your left hand. Whatever you decide, make sure it’s something that you’re both comfortable with.

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Is It Healthy For Your Relationship to Do This?

Another question to consider is whether or not getting married without being engaged first is healthy for your relationship. This is a personal decision that you and your partner need to make together. Before you get engaged or not, it’s important to talk about it before you make any decisions. There’s no right or wrong answer but if you’re not sure if it’s the right move for you, consult with a therapist or counselor to get some professional advice.

Loren Morris, LCPC for Perspectives Counseling uses the Gottman method in his practice for couples. He states the top predictors of a successful marriage after decades of research by Gottman, with thousands of couples that withstood the test of time are;

1. A relationship built on the foundation of a solid friendship which includes laughing and enjoying life together. Sharing and supporting each other’s dreams and goals in life. 
2. A ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative. A positive interaction can be as simple as a “you look nice today”. This includes a pattern of lifting each other up and avoiding put downs. 
3. Successful “Bids for connection” 86% of the time or greater. An example of a “bid for connection” is when your partner says “hey, you want to hear something great?!” and you respond and engage vs ignore and dismiss. 
4. A greater tendency to accept each other’s influence. An example is your partner says something like “you are going a bit over the speed limit, mind slowing down?” and you say something like “thanks. I wasn’t aware” versus responding with “I’m not going that fast, calm down”. 
5. Starting disagreements with a “soft start”. You don’t have to agree to be empathetic to the other person’s feelings or beliefs. Starting with empathy leads to better managing conflict and compromise versus leaving a disagreement with the feeling of someone winning and someone losing.

If these 5 things are happening regularly, happiness and satisfaction in the marriage is more likely.

Make Sure You and Your Partner Are on the Same Page

If you’re considering getting married without being engaged first, it’s important to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. This is a big decision, so you need to be sure that you’re both on board with the idea. To be engaged to someone is a big deal, so talk about it openly and honestly to make sure you’re making the best decision for your relationship.

Avoiding Rushing Into Things

If you’re worried about rushing into things, there are a few things you can do to avoid it. First, make sure you’re both on the same page about getting married (as we just talked about). If one of you is hesitant, it’s probably not the right time to take the plunge. Second, take your time planning the wedding. There’s no need to rush into things just because you’re not engaged. Take your time and enjoy the process.

Is This Common?

Not exactly. Almost all couples do get engaged before they get married. But if you’re considering not getting engaged first, you’re not alone. Just make sure you weigh all the pros and cons we talked about before making any decisions.

Making the Most of Your Wedding Day

If you do decide to get married without being engaged first, there are a few things you can do to make sure your wedding day is special (even if it’s pretty casual). First, make sure you take the time to pick out a nice wedding outfit. This is an important decision, so don’t rush into it. 

Second, have a beautiful ceremony and reception. Just because you’re not engaged doesn’t mean you can’t have a beautiful wedding. Third, make sure you take plenty of pictures. This is a day you’ll want to remember, so make sure you capture it in photos.

Should I Get Engaged?

Whatever you decide, make sure it’s something that you’re both comfortable with and that will be best for your relationship in the long run. We hope this post was helpful.

Thanks for reading!